Really - can this part be over already? (Week 9)

It's true, I think Heavenly Father blesses mothers with a cloud of forgetfulness when it comes to their past pregnancies. I hadn't remembered the horrible nausea that I had with Ainsley until well, I had it this time again.

The nausea is beating the crap out of me. In order to ward it off I have to eat and I have absolutely no interest in eating until I feel starved and then I eat too much which makes me sick for hours! And when I say I eat too much - I mean, I'll eat like half to a third of a normal portion of food. It's crazy. I have such a love-hate relationship with food right now.

I remember now feeling like that last time. I really got to the point that I hated food and couldn't imagine ever having a normal appetite and desire to eat again. I'm so getting there now. I'm hoping this doesn't continue the same length as before - I was sick like this until past 20-weeks. And then I got sick again for the last few weeks of the pregnancy.

This is why I dropped 25 pounds while I was pregnant. Although this time I don't think I'm losing as much. The reason why is I'm eating chocolate. I wasn't into chocolate during my last pregnancy. I am so in love with chocolate this time round. I mean, I've always been in love with it but it subsided last time. Not so with this pregnancy. I think I'm cutting that out soon.

Are we having fun yet? 8 weeks (caution: TMI)

CAUTION - serious complaining is being had in this post.

Today's my 8-week mark. The last 4-weeks have been hard. I feel like it's harder this time then when I was pregnant with Ainsley. The exhaustion is overwhelming at times. I have almost no energy to keep up with the daily household chores. Ryan actually broke down and cleaned the toilet the other day - that just makes it totally obvious to me how horrible things are getting. Some days are better than others when it comes to energy. I'll have spurts and I try to jump on them but then 30-minutes into it I'm done. I mean D.O.N.E. The nausea also has taken a toll. I remember this from before - this love-hate relationship with food. I love it when I'm eating it but hate it after and I feel sick. Or I haven't eaten enough and feel sick but not interested in eating to help myself. Okay, so this may be TMI so just skip to the next paragraph if you're not up to a frank conversation about poop... I have the worst constipation. I am taking a regimen of Miralax, Colace, flax-seed oil pills, and high fiber breakfast along with tons of fruits and veggies but nothing works. So horribly uncomfortable. My doctor gave me great news that no, this may just last my entire pregnancy. Ha!

Last time I was working a full-time job running around a 200+ mile radius area visiting with families and working in my office 45 minutes away from home. I was moving around like crazy. This time I'm home with a toddler who does keep me on my toes but I don't feel like I'm quite as busy and active as I was before - so shouldn't I be able to manage this better? I kept thinking this would be much better since I'm at home and can lay on the floor and dump snacks in the middle of the floor for Ainsley to eat. But no, I feel like it's worse this time. I think I'm just older - I'm getting too old for this. And to think we'd like to do this one more time. I'm almost tempted to be done.

OK, the complaining ends here (for now).

Wait, what???

It seems we're ... uh... pregnant? How'd that happen? Yeah, yeah, I know the "birds and the bees" but, really, how? did? that? happen?! After over 7 years of infertility challenges, including having IVF in order to be pregnant with Ainsley, and having a specialist tell us 'you won't get pregnant without extreme medical measures,' here we are: pregnant. We are amazed, in wonder, AND ABSOLUTELY THRILLED.

At the same time we're being cautious. Even with the extreme medical measures in the past we have had miscarriages and then the pregnancy with Ainsley had an extremely rocky first three months. All the chemicals and hormone levels were against us but our little miracle happened. We're so grateful to have her in our lives and we didn't know if we'd have another. We wanted one but were satisfied either way.

We're still very early through the gate here at 7 weeks but so far we're getting positive results to each of the many blood tests I've had - totally different then with Ainsley's pregnancy which seemed that every time we had a blood test we had bad news (even: congrats you're pregnant but it probably won't happen, sorry!). We keep waiting for the other shoe to drop - it's inevitable right? Then again, we're having strange reactions - Ryan even said "I have a good feeling about this." This coming from Mr. Pessimist.

One thing that is the same as my pregnancy with Ainsley is the sickness. The sickness from the day we conceived almost. With Ainsley it went through the first 5-months - praying that it won't go that long this time but here I am. Sicker than a dog and exhausted. I look like and feel like crap. This exhaustion is more-so this time. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I'm running after a toddler all day but I still think I have it easier than the last time when I was working a full-time job and traveling all over 3-days/week. This sickness and tiredness is comforting in one way but at the same time I can't help but hope that I'm not doing all this for nothing. Trying to keep the faith and so grateful at the same time.

So the hardest thing about this is we're excited about this little news and I feel and look like crap but we're not telling anyone until our 20-week ultrasound (just like when we were pregnant with Ainsley). I've had several people in the last week ask me if I'm okay that I look exhausted. I've also had someone point-blank ask me if I'm pregnant but had to side-step the question.

I need an outlet - a sounding board so guess, what? I'm blogging about it (privately until the news is released). Then all our friends, once it's public, can catch up. Hope you'll all forgive us for keeping it quiet. We're thrilled though and love having this special secret between us.